Married... with children

It's possible that I find this more rankling than many fathers of larger families because we are a recently blended family. After all, it was just a couple years ago that I was called Dad by one little girl, and as God poured out His blessings on me, today I am called Dad, Daddy, and Dada by 5 wonderful children. They do this of their own will - we've never asked them to do so, which to me is a precious gift indeed. This is a lot of change without a lot of time to adjust, and perhaps it's just me being overly sensitive.

Nonetheless, I regularly find myself in situations where others voice an implied disdain for my choice to marry a woman, love her no matter what, and be an involved dad with the kids who engages with them and connects to their hearts rather than saying "no way, I won't do that because I'm more concerned about the approval of men than encouraging you". This sometimes involves doing things that might feel a little foolish to a man who once lived for the approval of others, like painting your daughter's nails or putting the stick figure kids on your SUV after your family buys them for you for as a gift. Sometimes the comments are subtle, sometimes not. Now I hardly expect everyone to want to go out and have 10 kids, but the implied statement is always that being a husband and dad is some sort of ball and chain that reduces you to a sub-man, not the biggest blessing one can imagine.

Is it a waste of potential?

In our culture, we can observe an implicit fear of marriage and children ruining our lives and stamping out the fire of our dreams. Our society claims to value children from a macro level, but as a culture, we don't really live this. You can see this as we demand our legislators enact laws to prevent harm to our children (or uses the safety of children to justify legislation so no one will speak up against it - "Think of the children!"). Up close though, our culture doesn't live this out. They are often viewed as an inconvenience, a ball and chain. They are something to be avoided, via any means necessary. An interesting read on this subject can be found here, from a wife's standpoint.

Young people avoid marriage like the plague and treat it as though it's something to possibly consider when they are in their 30s, after they've slept around and dulled the ability to be truly intimate with their spouse because they are both so desensitized to intimacy because they've never refined the sense. They justify it with weak platitudes such as "no way I'll marry as long as she can take half my stuff", "all women are whores", "once I get married she'll just get fat", etc. Gentlemen, women don't want half of your xbox games, superman sheets and a paltry income that still leaves them in poverty in the long run, they want all your heart and when you give it freely, joyfully, and sacrificially, only the most hardhearted of women would hurt you in return - and they really aren't hard to spot ahead of time. They were probably the ones showing off all the skin to entice you. They are definitely not women who genuinely serve Jesus above all else in all areas of their life.

When you zoom in and see the ugly truth, we value our freedom to come and go as we please, our ability to travel, go to college, be promiscuous, spend lots of money on things that we'll be bored with soon anyway, have a body unmarred by childbirth - or a wife unmarred, if you're a man... and that's if you're even willing to show enough responsibility and commitment to get married at some point.

Where do you value marriage and children relative to these things? If I were to try and judge this based on implied disapproval (and the reality of statistics) that I often see, I'd say that our culture values marriage and children less than all of these things. It's pretty much the riskiest, biggest waste of time and potential possible, in many people's minds.

This saddens me, because while I don't mean to be unkind or speak ill, the truth is that a lot of the people that make these comments aren't doing much lasting good with their potential anyway.

It's hard work, but with great joy, and great reward.

The more time I spend with the lovely wife and little ones that God has given me to steward, the more sympathy I have for my parents and the effort they put in for me. It's true that being dad to children and husband to a wife is a lot of effort and requires inhuman patience sometimes (I fail at this daily, by the way). There is also great joy in it. Best of all, I've found that it gives me insight and perspective into the idea that God pursues us relentlessly with a crazy love as we reject Him and live self centered lives as though He doesn't exist - even when we claim to acknowledge His existence.

But is it worth it?

The implied disapproval I see suggests that it is not, in the minds of many.

Eternal Boyhood

Puer aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, and it characterizes men in our society well. I chose the title of this post as a double entendre because I think that Al Bundy defines what I'm talking about well. To my shame, I've been this man, too. I share this not to be controversial or bring glory on myself, but to point out how this sort of life really is time utterly wasted.

Historically, a guy would go through two life phases: boy, then man. The transition from boy to man was comprised of five sociological variables that happened almost simultaneously or in very close succession: Leave your parents’ home (Gen. 2:24); finish your education or vocational training; start a career-track job, not a dead-end-Joe one; meet a woman, love her, honor her, court her, and marry her; have children with her.

They just don't want to grow up!

I also like to add on to that quote the idea that after he marries her and has children with her, he stays engaged with them, leads them, connects with their hearts and minds, and teaches them to do the same thing all over again so that the lesson is passed down and not lost to time.

Today, we've inserted a third stage of life in between these phases called "adolescence". We don't know what to call them, so we call them guys. They waste their life doing everything but taking responsibility and committing. They leave broken homes behind them with children that will never know what it's like to have a good relationship with an earthly father. They spend all their money on big kid toys and never give back or save up for the future, to be able to afford a family. They waste their time on the internet, downloading free porn or playing video games on the xbox, or sitting in front of a television all day. They have contributed to a hook up, shack up, and break up culture, and their children learn it from them and pass it on. They lack self discipline and self control. They think that being a man is about how much beer you can drink, how many women you can sleep with, how big your truck is or how fast your car is. In a word, they are like Al Bundy - and the only legacy they will leave is one of brokenness, certainly not of a well cultivated family that serves Jesus and others.

Don't mistake me - I know this because I was that man.

Part of this is because we weren't taught to be men. We lack mentors. We look around for identities as men and our culture tells us we should do the things above to be "manly" men. The only way to prevent this in the future is figure it out for ourselves, finding mentors where we can, so that we can help our children do a better job than us. We also lack other men who will point this out to us. I'm writing this because I can't bite my tongue any longer.

Women bear guilt in this as well, but men, I'm looking at you, because someone needs to step up and right now, it's statistically the women. In 1 Corinthians 11:7, Paul says that men are the "image and glory of God". I've been just as guilty, so don't take this as a holier than thou rant. I see so much potential in these men. I see the potential for brother-friends, the kind of friend that is true and faithful, and who will pray for me as I pray for him, who will hold me accountable when I sin. I see the potential for multi-generational legacies that literally change the world. I see the potential for you to be a lamp that shines God's glory out across the earth.

The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:15-17:

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 
16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 
17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 


We would all do well to sincerely ask ourselves, are we making the best use of our time? Will Jesus, on judgment day, tell you "Well done, good and faithful servant!"? Would you want your daughter to marry a man like you?

This video is about a book called 'Church Planter', which talks about the qualifications of men to be pastors. But we're supposed to be pastors to our families first. We're supposed to be men. I think this sums it up well:

So what does it mean to be a biblical man?

What better example of perfect a man do we have than Jesus? And I'm not talking about a dress and sandal wearing effeminate guy with long hair who looks like he just got done smoking a bong with his disciples in their VW bus. If that's your image of Jesus, you fell for the warped cultural image we've created of our Redeemer.

The Bible describes Jesus a little differently:

11 Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. 

12 His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. 

13 He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. 

14 And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. 

15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. 

16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

A dude on a white horse, who judges and makes war, with fiery eyes, many diadems (crowns) on His head, a robe dipped in blood... Wow. And he's got a sword. Cool. Not to mention He is apparently tatted up with a "King of kings, and Lord of lords" tattoo!

Hardly a dirty hippie bong toting Jesus, right? I realize we can't attain that, but in Jesus 30 years, He became the most influential person to ever live on the face of the earth, showing leadership, healing, patience, love, righteous anger, forgiveness, a servant's heart, wisdom and ultimately sacrificing His life for those He loved. Those are things that you can practice.

Another good example of a man would be John the Baptizer, who Jesus said was the greatest man to ever be born of a woman in Luke 7:28. 

Learning about biblical manhood is a long study (that I will share here as I continue to do so). I can give a few teasers, though:

• A godly man acknowledges he is a sinner. Has repented, lives in repentance, and serves Jesus. Knows that he cannot serve both God and idols such as money, sex, power, and achievement. 
• A godly man is a warrior, a cultivator and a sage.
• A godly man is not afraid of appropriate responsibility or commitment and doesn't exhibit Peter Pan Syndrome
• A godly man, should God bless him with a wife and children, pours himself into cultivating that family. He tries to love his wife as Christ loves the church. He recognizes that his marriage is a covenant, not a contract, and he shows appropriate headship in that covenant.
• A godly man has a relationship with God, studies scripture, and speaks with Jesus all the time.
• A godly man gives more than he takes, which means he needs to produce.
• A godly man builds his wife up before others, rather than complaining about her. He is also discerning about what sort of friend he approaches for advice when he has challenges with his wife or children.

We need better men.

The more a man takes responsibility, the more sense he'll make out of the Gospel. As he tries to bring order out of chaos it's not going to work, his dominion will rebel against him and he will say "seriously? why is this so hard?", and God will point out to him that it's because He loves us, and He wants us to see how we rebel against God in exactly the same way, and how He continues lovingly molding us and loving us anyway.

Children aren't a curse, they are a blessing. A chance to multiply God's Kingdom on earth through sound teaching while they are young that will hopefully turn into a multi-generational legacy that contributes to breaking the cycle of brokenness that we see today. A chance to throw a football to your boys, or have a tea party with your girls. You get to teach them leadership, honor, friendship, purity, and so much more. You can't avoid this responsibility, because if you don't do it, you're going to teach the younger generation that knows you by your example anyway.

I love the words of Psalm 127:

3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior

are the children of one's youth.

5 Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame

when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

I also love these words (emphasis mine) from a sermon on covenant and headship at Mars Hill Church:

The husband should be opening the scriptures and speaking with his wife, and speaking with his kids. And the word of God should just be alive and active in the home. You know, an hour on Sunday morning in the class is not going to do a whole life change of work for the wife or for the kids. And that’s how God says it should happen. This – the way you get your woman to grow and mature and change as a husband, you bring her close. You love her. You forgive her. You pour yourself out. You die. You hang on your cross. You open the scriptures. You pray over her. And you be patient, and you invest in her. And you love her until she’s lovely. That’s exactly what Jesus does.

And so, for a man, he can’t walk around with his own inbred authority saying, “Do this, do this, do this.” He’s gotta open the scripture and say, “Honey, we have a problem. Things are going the way God says it should. Let’s study the scripture together. Let’s both submit ourselves to God. Let’s see what God says. And I’m going to lead our family through this. And we’re gonna – we’re gonna make this up. I’m gonna – I’m gonna be responsible for this, and I’m gonna take accountability for this before God. And we’re going to straighten out whatever’s amiss in our home, okay?” I have yet to see a woman hate a man who opened the Bible and prayed over her all the time. Most woman are like, “Great. Great. The reason I was angry is ‘cause you’re a knucklehead and you never read the Bible. And you tell me what to do, but you don’t hear from God. And that scares me, ‘cause that’s dangerous.”

I hope that those who read my thoughts here understand that I don't look at my marriage or family as a curse - it's a huge blessing instead. Given my broken past, I don't know why God would trust me to be steward over this family but by His grace I will do my best. 

One other noteworthy point. I am not saying that you have to get married or have kids to be saved or be a godly man.

I also don't want to imply that I am that godly man I outlined. I yearn to be that man but I have so far to go and any gains I have made are purely the work of God, not myself. I do not wish to glorify myself in this.

Glory to God.